Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Farmville is her only friend.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
Randomize
