Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
