omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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