my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
