My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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