Who did Billy Mays play for?
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I just gargled with NyQuil
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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