After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Randomize
