i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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