he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
