my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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