im having a threesome with these popsicles
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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