I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
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