Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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