just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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