Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
