allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
