I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
