so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
