at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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