I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
