shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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