I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
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