Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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