i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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