my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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