i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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