tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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