Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
