cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
