6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
