is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
