I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
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