my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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