Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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