you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
