all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
