I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
