I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
