Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
