Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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