One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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