Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Randomize
