I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
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