So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
