Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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