loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
