I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
