Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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