Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
