guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Is Oprah even human
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
