just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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