I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
