Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
