My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
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