I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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