if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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