Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Randomize
