It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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