Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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