Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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