My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
