i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
My feet surprised me
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