the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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