apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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