Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize